A Statement from the Goblin Living on Glenn Beck's Shoulder

By Josh Hornbeck

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, members of the press... I'd like to thank you all for coming out today. I have a statement I'd like read and then I'll open it up for some questions if time allows.

As I'm sure you can see for yourself, I'm a goblin. I know there aren't many goblins who have come forward to speak with the press, so you should know that, like all goblins, I don't have a name. If I did have a name, I'm sure it would be something long and difficult to pronounce. You can just refer to me as the Goblin Living on Glenn Beck's Shoulder.

Now, it's come to my attention that a number of people have alleged that some of the more hateful and reprehensible statements made by Glenn Beck were in fact made by me. This is simply not true. I'm here today to set the record straight and own up to my own small part in the ruin of political discourse that Beck represents. But I'd also like to clear up this misguided notion that everything hateful that Beck spews out at the American people is somehow my fault.

Yes, it's true that I am responsible for Beck becoming the cable news and talk radio sensation he is today. That blackboard he uses night after night? My idea. The whole emotional manipulation and teary-eyed confessions directly to "America?" Yep, that's me, too. See, that's the kind of stuff we goblins are good at - the subtle attacks on intelligent and reasonable debate.

Who do you think taught Beck to selectively present facts that back up his point-of-view while questioning the veracity of anything which might contradict said views? I was also the one who promoted this deification of the "Founding Fathers," getting Beck to propagate the belief that Washington and Jefferson and everyone got it perfect right out of the starting gate. I helped him overlook and rationalize the founders views on slavery and women's rights. And I showed him how to completely disregard anything the "Founding Fathers" wrote that might challenge his belief in American imperialism, the essential goodness of corporations, and the supremacy of the puritan work ethic.

But that is as far as my involvement with Glenn Beck goes. I know that when he said President Obama was a racist, many people jumped to the conclusion that it was me speaking through him, but that was all Beck. And now that he's encouraging his listeners to leave their churches if they have anything to do with social justice? Well, that's just plain evil, even for me. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, that I haven't made my share of mistakes in this political debacle that is Glenn Beck, but he's just running off on his own now. He doesn't listen to me anymore, he just throws out ridiculous accusations and lets them hang in the air without offering even half-truths to support his claims.

So, I'm attempting to distance myself from Beck. I'm no longer functioning as his advisor, I just hang out on his shoulder from time to time. Please know that all of the bile he spews out on a daily basis comes from his own black heart, not the innocent goblin that calls his shoulder home. Thank you.

I'll now take a few questions from the press.

...

As a matter of fact, I am looking for a new shoulder to call home. I've thought about switching with the Goblin Living on Rush Limbaugh's Shoulder, especially since they may be moving to Costa Rica in the near future and I'd like the opportunity to travel, but I doubt my colleague will take me up on that offer.

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Yes, I did get Beck to complain about the school children singing songs about President Obama. But I'd like to point out that I also drew his attention to the songs school children sang about the former President George W. Bush. It was Beck's decision to ignore that information.

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No. No, that was not me. In fact, when Beck called up the woman who had a miscarriage and made fun of her on the radio, I wasn't even living on his shoulder at the time. So no. I had nothing to do with that and I find it highly offensive that you would even think I had anything to do with it, just because I'm a goblin. That was all Beck's doing.

I'm sorry, but that's all the time we have. I have to get back to Beck's shoulder and see if I can't get him to stop showing footage of Nazis right next to footage of the President. Thank you once again for your time.

(Posted 03/19/2010)